A love letter to my heroes
I quit a lot. There was a time in my life where I quit every day.
A few years ago, driven away by a painful separation, I moved from the Netherlands back to Greece, where I was born and raised. I cannot find the words to accurately describe the depths of my despair during that time. I managed to stay for one year before I decided that my home was no longer Greece, but the Netherlands.
In that year, I cried every day at least once.
Every morning, as soon as I opened my eyes and gained consciousness, I’d start to cry. The thoughts in my head as I got out of bed were “I quit. I am done. I cannot do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore.” As I got dressed, the voice in my head would say “I quit”. As I got my daughter ready for school I’d think “I quit”. As I commuted to work I’d think “I quit”. At night, right before falling asleep, I’d think to myself “I don’t care if I die in my sleep tonight. I am done. I don’t want to wake up for this torment anymore. I quit. Please, let there be no tomorrow.” And yet. I’d still get up the next day and I’d do it all over again.
Does that make me weak? Does it make me strong? I don’t know.
I believe there’s magic in tears. I believe there is a magical place all the way down to rock bottom, a place where hidden treasures lie. This is where I always find the warrior within me, the hope, the inspiration, the fierceness. But first I need to descend down the dark spiral of misery, all the way to the bottom of the ocean. There, in the absolute darkness that feels a lot like death, where I have nothing left to lose and nothing left to fear, is where I remember who I am and what I’m made of. This is when I reach out to ancestors, spirits, gods, and angels.
It’s been a long time since that horrid year. But I am still a single parent in a foreign country, without family or network, without support, without the security that comes from knowing there are people near you that could help you if you need it. The weight of this sometimes gets me down. And in I dive into the ocean of tears I’ve cried, all the way to rock bottom. And there I will always find my jewels waiting;
Hope,
Faith,
Love,
Surrender,
Fierceness.
And onwards we go.
